Okay so here's what I think.
I think everyone, at some point(s) in their lives experiences severe stress, anxiety, and/or depression.
Regardless of whether or not you want to admit it, it's true.
As for me -- this has been more than relevant in my life for the past several months and/or years.
Without getting into too much detail, I have experienced too many family deaths, illnesses, financial setbacks, heartbreak, disappointment and self-destroying moments. These instances have damn near destroyed me and I cannot tell you how many emotional breakdowns and anxiety attacks I have had because of those said moments.
I have been to that dark place. That place where no one ever wants to go. That place that is so hard to pull yourself out of. That place that is a pit of endless despair, darkness, fear and helplessness.
A few months ago I broke. I was trying to handle everything on my own and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I remember the very first time it happened. I was sitting on the couch, worrying, being negative; trying to control things I couldn't control. My arms and legs started to tingle. My heart literally started to ache. I was experiencing pains I had never felt before. I was hot, I was cold. My head began to hurt. I had a lump in my throat. I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy and nauseous. I remember being so scared. I thought I was dying.
But I wasn't -- I don't even remember how I calmed down, but the next day I called my doctor and made an appointment with her to make sure I was okay. And I was.
Of course everything I had experienced was attributed to anxiety.
I was familiar with anxiety -- I had already been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and seen a therapist before -- but what she said next was on a whole new level for me.
She said the D word............depression.
Never in my life did I think I would experience depression. But it made sense. Everything I had been experiencing leading up to that doctor's appointment had thrown me into the vicious cycle of depression.
I was drinking too much, smoking, not eating enough. I had wasted away to 88 pounds at 24 years old. I was crying every day, several times a day. I had withdrawn from anything and everything I loved. I didn't care. I didn't believe in myself anymore. I had no self-confidence. I thought I was ugly and didn't have anything to offer. I felt as if I couldn't trust anyone at all.
My world was crumbling around me and I couldn't do anything about it.
I felt as if no one understood what I was going through. I spent hours in my room, alone, in bed. I was exhausted. I called off work. I lost money. I sacrificed my reputation, friendships, and money because of my illness; which I am still trying to recover from.
A co-worker of mine "joked," suggesting I was pregnant, but I knew what it was; I just didn't want to admit it.
The world just swirled around me. My job, my friends, my family -- everything. I felt useless and meaningless. I was having panic attacks daily; chest pains, nausea, fear; you name it, I had it. I started to question my purpose in life. Why was I here? Who needed me? Did anyone care? What would happen if I wasn't here anymore?
Although I'm still finding my purpose, I know that I can fight the D word. I am bigger than the D word. I refuse to let it conquer me and take hold of my life. I have the support of my family, friends and others that care about me.
I am proof that it can get better.
There are people out there in this world that have it so much worse, which makes me feel like my depression and anxiety are meaningless and so miniscule. There are so many problems out there that are larger than depression and anxiety. In a crazy way, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I have my family, my friends, and my boyfriend who care about me. I'm grateful that I have food to eat, a roof over my head, and clothes to wear.
If I can get through it, so can you. My hope is that this post helps those of you who are struggling through the same difficulties that I have faced. All that I can say is that it gets better. I have finally started to smile more than I have frowned over the past few weeks. I have started to realize the endless blessings this life gives to us. I have looked to my family -- even to those who have left this Earth -- for guidance, and they have given me hope and peace.
This past weekend I visited my cousin's gravestone. He was 19 when he passed away, over a year ago. I couldn't help but feel extremely grateful for the life I am living -- despite all of its ups and downs. It really put things into perspective for me. It made me feel as if my problems were nothing at all. I wish he was still here.
There are so many things in life that can break us -- that can make us feel so very small and hopeless. But we have to keep going. There is hope for tomorrow. There is hope that tomorrow will be better than yesterday. Be grateful to be on this Earth, and never stop hoping and believing in tomorrow. You are worth more than you could ever imagine.
xoxoxo
